Podcast 1 part 2 Peter Ash - Albinism Killings

Miriam 2003 - 2008

This podcast is dedicated to the memory of Miriam, she died because she had albinism and lived amongst people who believed she was a ghost. Her body parts could fetch as much as $75,000.
She was 5 years old - hear her story. Please share @kristinavenning

Interview: Peter Ash - The man fighting albinism killings in Africa (part 2)

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Podcast 1 Peter Ash - Albinism Killings

Peter Ash CEO - Under The Same Sun.

“I have a dream that one day people with albinism will take their rightful place throughout every level of society, and that the days of discrimination against persons with albinism will be a faint memory - EVERYWHERE!” 

My first Podcast is with Peter Ash. It had a profound impact on me and understanding of my albinism.  

This is a fascinating interview, Peter talks about his early life growing up in poor neighbourhoods in Canada, struggling at school and the never-ending support of his mother to spur him on to achieve great things. Peter has been a minister, is a hugely successful businessman and founder of Under The Same Sun. I talk to him about life in Tanzania for someone with albinism. We discuss the killings and the important role UTSS has in changing attitudes towards albinism.

Under The Same Sun is a charity promoting the well being of people with albinism through education and advocacy throughout the world but particularly Africa and more specifically Tanzania.

This podcast is dedicated to the memory of Miriam 2003 - 2008. Miriam was 5 when she died, butchered to death in front of her family - all that remained of her tiny body was a torso, the attackers drained her blood, drank it and then left in the dead of night. Why did this happen? Because she happened to born with albinism. You can hear Miriam's story here.

Visit UTTS on Facebook

New 4 part podcast

International Albinism Awareness Day

June 13th

In celebration of International Albinism Awareness day, I have made a 4 part podcast series. In each episode I am chatting to a person with albinism who inspires me and challenges most peoples perceptions of those with the condition.

Albinism is a genetic condition affecting 1 in 20,000 people in Europe and North America, it affects the individuals ability to produce the pigment melanin which is important in the development of the eye and thus most people with the condition have some degree of visual impairment. Melanin also protects the skin from burning in the sun and so people with albinism have to be more careful when going out in the summer months. Other than that they are pretty much like anyone else, I have met many people with albinism from all over the world and am yet to find one with magical powers, if you know anyone out there with this  amazing talent please do let me know as I fancy a bit of that!

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the podcasts, I set about wanting to showcase albinism as something that doesn't define people and illustrates to those parents, medics and the general population that if you put your mind to it anything is possible. The world is out there full of opportunities you can grasp them if you so wish.

Please share, please like and please subscribe lets put albinism out there!

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Podcast

Bluff #6 The Book Shop Bluff

Dear bluffers,

I know you like a good bluff, but I am now ramping it up a level - please don’t judge me! Bluffing is an art, it’s about thinking outside the box and being creative. I warn you that what you are about to read is possibly stretching my bonkersness to it's limits. 

I love books, the smell, the feel and the curling up on the sofa with a cup of tea engrossed in a novel - heaven! However, my eyes aren’t as keen on them, I have squinted my way through Nuffield science books in high school, Anthony Giddens Sociology papers at university and The Guardian on a weekend but it’s a struggle. This word “struggle” shouldn’t generally be mentioned by bluffers - only in exceptional circumstances, count this is as one of them! The wonderful world of audible has enabled my poor peepers to rest for a while but nothing beats an old fashioned book or being amongst them. Cue bluff….

You are at an airport, or train station and have time to kill: Perfume  shop... check, duty free...check, random electrical shop...check, Tie Rack (does that even exist still?)...check. The last remaining shop is the book store. You want to buy your mum The Great British Bake Off book as a Thank You gift. Remember the aim of  being a bluffer is to fool people into thinking you have vision that goes above and beyond normal acuity. You want to ooze vision like my favourite comedian Josie Long oozes humour. Here is how you do it.

1, Walk through the door with confidence and purpose

2. Glance in the direction of the shop assistants and will them to ask you if you need any help - they usually do. You can look right back at them with the biggest smile and say that you are absolutely fine. This of course is the biggest lie you have told that day or even possibly that week. You are far from fine, the more you look at the book shelves the more they appear to close in on you and become big blocks of blur.

3. Make out you are browsing as you go and that you totally know where the section you want is and just casually meandering your way to it

4. Pick up a book from one of the display tables to try and orient yourself, book shops are vaguely formulaic and you can work out that if you are near a Susan Boyle autobiography or Stephen Hawkings “A Brief History Of Time" book you are way off target.   

5. Don’t be shy, amble across a few metres to another display table, picking up another book as you go. If you are holding an Alan Titchmarsh tome about gardening through the seasons or Kirstie Allsopp's latest craft projects you are getting within range. Hobbies, and gardening books are largely grouped in the same location as foodie stuff.

6. At this point make your way to the nearest bookcases - I believe the lazy people with perfect vision who put no effort in to seeing just glance from the doorway and see the sign above the shelf that reads “Cookery Books”. For some of you bluffers, you might not even be aware of the signs existence. 

7. The next part will take some time so be patient, you need to make sure you find the exact location of the department you want. For this to run smoothly you are going to have to pick up a few books, pull them out of the shelves slightly to peak at the titles. I think this may be a nystagmus thing but if left to my own devices in the privacy of my own home where bluffing is not needed, I would put my head to a 45 degree angle and scan the titles. This, however, is unacceptable as a bluffer in public - you may as well have a pair of binoculars round your neck and bonce boppers with flashing lights which project “Bad Eyesight” wherever you go if you do strange things with the position of your head for all to see!

8. If you have read the other bluffs you are sure to be aware of how important prep is. With this in mind you will have had a quick squiz on your Amazon app so you can easily recognise the front cover and spine of the book you are intending to buy. Or, if you are feeling daring and have time on your hands you can ramp it up a notch and just hope you chance upon the correct title. After puling out a few hundred books, you will have identified the rough location of your Bake Off book, Sue Perkins would probably be very proud! Scour the shelves for the spine which matches the one you identified online until you hit upon your target. I am sure the sense of relief and excitement will be evident from the huge grin on your face. But those around you will just assume its because you are a massive Bake Off fan and dead chuffed to be buying the book.

9. Make your way to the counter, once you have handed your book to the assistant they will probably ask if they can help you with anything else, don’t even consider this an option and get the heck out of there with the knowledge you have bluffed your way to success. Yes the whole process may have taken 20 minutes out of your hectic schedule and asking for help would have cut the whole process down to only a few minutes, but think how euphoric you are feeling now!

And remember…It’s not what you can’t see it’s what they think you can!

Follow Kristina on Twitter listen to her podcast The White Noise Show

Essential bluffing rules

So you want to be part of the ‘bluffing' crowd do you? Well it's not that easy, and you don’t just 'get things' in life because you want them - you have to prove yourself first before the membership process can even be considered. Here are a few things to bare in mind before embarking on the journey that some may refer to as 'life dodging'!

The rather unforgettable acronym 'Be Popped' will echo round your mind from this day on…..
1. Be on guard at all times, don’t let your cover slip for a moment. You may think that putting a menu an inch closer to your eyes in order to read it is ok - ITS NOT, don’t do it.
2. Eye contact - Not an easy or natural thing for some bluffers, particularly those (like myself) with crazy eyes that do their own thing (peeps interested in medical stuff its called nystagmus)  Those in the perfect vision fraternity seem to rate it a great deal and place huge importance on this. So, thats what you HAVE to do. Maintain looking straight at someone at all costs even if their eyes are just like blobs on a face and the sheer act of fixating on something means you may keel over, throw up with dizziness or make your pupils go even more bonkers than before - It doesn’t matter! You are fooling people which will, in turn make you awesome!
3. Preparation is the key, you know that quote from one of those 'founding father' blokes in America; “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail”. An example, Don’t just rock up at a train station without your iPhone and that 'I don’t even need to bother pretending to see the departure boards I can just look at my phone to see which platform I am heading to app' and expect to know where your train is leaving from without asking someone. Or looking like a fool contorting your body in ridiculous angels trying to squint to see. Download all available apps, bring your smartphone and above all research.
4. Our moto is, Its not what you can’t see its what THEY think you can.
5. Position - (BTW if you have got this far down my list, good for you - tweet me I will send you a prize) by this I mean always put yourself in places where you can max out on acquiring info from folk around you. Listening in on conversations can make a difference  as to whether you end up getting that all new super duper, springtime mintalicious mocha or a boring old builders tea in Starbucks because the menu boards and the exciting - 'New for this season' stuff are literally kilometres away!
6. Patience - bide your time, your eyes aren’t as SH1T3 hot as everyone else’s. My tips and tricks will get you to where you want to be as a 'sightie' but may take you that little bit longer - you will get there. Of course asking somebody would cut out about 10 of your bluffing steps and get you what you want in half the time. But why the heck would you ever want to do that?!
7. Enjoy - have fun with pretending, sometimes its hard, sometimes you are skating close to 'the truth' but revel in the fact that it makes you cleverer and smarter than those 'I am just driving off in my car' smug eyed people!
8. Do not under any circumstances tell anyone you are a ‘Bluffer'.

I hope the 8 step guide will increase the chances of bluffing success!

Bluff #5: The Shop Bluff

Bluffers, you're coming out of the woodwork to tell me that you do the same as me. I knew it. Be proud of your bluffing heritage and please keep sending me your success stories on Twitters and the Facebooks. We need to keep the tricks and tips alive. Remember though, DO NOT EVER tell those sightalicious outsiders what you're up to. You're like a replicant in Bladerunner, they're just waiting to get you for being a fake.

As you know, my techniques are tried, tested and generally very successful. However, I occasionally experience a bluffing "malfunction". One such malfunction happened to me the other day to my absolute horror, one so bad that I almost got found out. I daren't say exactly what happened but today, on Easter Monday, I'm publishing these smart new shopping bluff guidelines so it will never happen to you.

Scenario

You are out shopping for some mascara and underwear (sorry boys, I know you hate this kind of thing) at a large unfamiliar department store. When I say large it's one of those flagship stores where finding anything you want is like looking for a needle in a haystack even if you can see proper. It has signs hung so high you have to be a character from Jack and the Beanstalk to be able to guess what they say.

I must emphasise DO NOT ask for directions or help, you have to do this alone - remember, Its not what you can’t see, its what THEY think you can.

* Part i - Finding that mascara 

1. The key to bluffing is forward planning. First trawl the internet for that super cool mascara you want, go to google images, take a screengrab of it and keep it with you when you go shopping. More on this later but be assured that this bit of prep will later stop you from having to pick up 

every single long dark tube to see if it's the right one. 

2.  At the shop, you'll first have to find the make-up department. When you enter the front door, get your nose into action immediately - perfume and cosmetics are nearly always on the ground floor so can't be far away. And if you find one, you find the other. 

3. Once you detect perfume, follow the scent. But don't go thinking you've cracked it at this stage, there's more cleverness to come.

4. When your nose is practically burning and your lungs about to cave in with that cloud of pong, you're there, so hang around those women who do makeup trials. Try the perfume samples, pick up the pretty boxes and pretend you can read the stupid gold curly wirly writing on the bottles. But all the time listen carefully to the women as they talk endlessly about the strange snail face creams and eye shadow they are trialling. Ideally you'd want them to mention the brand you're interested in but that's not wholly necessary. 

5. Wait until they walk one of their customers over to a range of products they've been talking about and discretely follow. They should lead you straight to the make-up stands. From there you can locate your brand, and match the image on your phone to all the different coloured blobby things in front of you. Once you spot what you want, give yourself a virtual high five (don’t actually do this as people will think you are slightly unhinged - although it may be better for them to think this than know the disgusting truth)

* Part ii: Finding the underwear

6. Get back on to the main thoroughfare and follow the crowds, the likelihood is they will be heading for the escalators where those stupid far-away floor planner signs are, you know, the one's that say "first floor: garden hoses, bras and cookie cutters" and helpful stuff like that. 

7. People will be milling around, it's always busy here, but you're going to have to cause disruption and get as close as you can to the signs so you can locate the floor you need. If you're feeling extra cool, or think you can pass off the look of a 

shop-sign obsessive, do that smartphone trick - stand back, look cool and zoom in on the bit of the sign you need. Armed with that knowledge, board the escalator and smile inwardly.

8. WARNING: This next bit needs real patience. You reach the correct floor but now for the time-consuming task of locating which part of the floor you need to be on for the underwear - WITHOUT ASKING. Walk purposefully. Be casual like you're just browsing, Which of course you are not - browsing from a distance is impossible, you can only work out what things are by the colour, shape and your own practised common sense.

9. Keep going along the main gangway, it will take you through all sorts of things you don’t want or are not really interested in but percevere, don’t go off the beaten track or head for the attractive blobs of the stationery section (as brightly coloured and interesting as they look you may get lost and miss vital clues).

10. Eventually the gangway will probably lead you to the socks and tights, then maybe nightwear. By this point you will be metres from your target section

11. As you're in the general ballpark now, you can afford to look like a proper sightie. Rub their faces in your amazing acuity by picking up anything you want; do it with purpose and pretend to read the labels too, especially the tiny print ones. Do it a few times, hell go for it you queen of all sight, you.

12. When you're definitely in the underwear section, look for the garment you've come in for. If you have trouble finding the right size due to small print and badly contrasting coat hangers then take a selection to the changing room where you can peek at them as closely as you like once you're safely tucked away behind a curtain.

13. With the correct size in your hand, leave the cubicle and follow other customers carrying garments - they will lead you to the tills where you can pay. Try not to show too much delight that you have successfully duped a whole department store into thinking you are the most sighted person on earth. Thousands of people. Don't say impairment, do say entrapment - idiots.

GENERAL NOTE: It is important to waste many valuable minutes of your day walking round in circles trying to find something in a shop rather than ask a member of staff to assist you.

Take two bluffs

Take two innocent encounters, rubbishy eyesight and what have you got? A need to bluff. Two more audio bluffages.....

Listen here

Bluff Bite

Dear Bluffers,

I invite you to hear us disclosing more information that will ensure future bluffing successes when out reading prices in shops. Find out how to bluff your way to "seeing" so called birds in trees

Listen here

Follow me on Twitter and find us on Facebook

All your bluffing tips when shopping will appear here shortly.

And remember.... Its not what you can't see its what THEY think you can.

The White Noise Show

If you want to hear me talking about The Bluffington Post on Radio 4s In Touch take a listen here.

Stepping aside from bluffing for one minute, you may be interested to know that I present a podcast.

Its called The White Noise Show and its all about living with terrible eyesight. But before you click away in boredom, its not what you might expect. Its not about benefits, magnifiers and medical talk its funny, deep and personal. Sometimes a bit too personal. I present it with my BFF Sara. As well as shoddy eyesight another thing we have in common is that we have albinism and nystagmus (we are albinoids, Elsa lookalikes and sometimes referred to as albinos).

On our latest podcast we are talking about a variety of topics. Subjects include; being mothers with bad vision, potentially passing our condition on to our children and whether it is better to have Gingerism or Albinism! My favourite part of the show is our live Twitter search feed for the word “albino". Often it is odd or curious, sometimes its offensive regularly its about rabbits, mice or turtles but it can be quite illuminating to see what people are tweeting about “our” kind. Take a listen and let me know what you think about it.

More bluffs coming VERY soon. I am also keen to hear yours. You can contact me on Twitter.

Bluff #4: The Road Bluff

I fear I may have given you bluffing overload with my recent scenarios, so today we will keep it short and simple. And remember It's not what you can't see its what THEY think you can!

Not all bluffs are complicated and sometimes it's the simplest ones that are most effective.  Some bluffs can literally mean the difference between life and death.  I am not advocating the below for the faint hearted incidentally, the outcome may result in action being taken by social services and sight loss charities up and down the land.

Today we are going to talk about crossing roads. Please read carefully before you continue

Disclaimer: The information on this website is for general guidance ONLY and is aimed at bluffers and potential bluffers. The clever people behind this site take no responsibility for the outcome of its bluffs which regularly contain no proven logic or sense. 

Scenario

It's a lovely sunny day. You are walking down Regents Street with a spring in your step, ducking and diving through the crowds, and happily blending in as a proper “Sightie”.

On the outside you appear just like everybody else, and thats how you like it. But you know the dark secret which lurks behind the facade, and its certainly not going to slip at the mere prospect of crossing a road.

You've been swept along by the crowd which gradually begins to slow. Eventually you find yourself at that big crossroads between Oxford Circus and Regents Street. There are lots of people in front, its sunny and you can’t really see the traffic lights. 

People are crossing randomly and you desperately don’t want to get run over or ask somebody if its ok to cross. Follow the instructions below to ensure your dirty sight loss secret remains secret. 

1. Have a quick nosey to see if there are any women with pushchairs, they are THE key to your bluff, they will only cross when the lights have changed and its safe to go. If you can stand directly behind them or to the side and when they start jiggling around with their pushchair you know its nearly your time.

2. If there are no mothers, old people are a good bet or people holding the hands of children.

3. Once you have found your target to fixate on just wait, take your cue as soon as they start moving, its all systems go, do not hang around, follow their every move, This should secure your successful crossing.

4. Result. You are now able to continue on your journey full of bluffing pride.

Please remember it's far more important to risk the prospect of getting injured by a car than to confirm with a member of the public that its ok to cross. Bluffers you know a broken pelvis is worth it if people think you will have the visual ability to drive a motability car home from the hospital afterwards.

Follow Kristina on Twitter and listen to her on The White Noise Show podcast

Bluff #4: The pub bluff

Before we get onto the latest lesson on bluffing your way to a sighted life, let me spoil you with some of that motivational speaking stuff. Here goes ...  remember readers, bluffing is hard - damn hard sometimes - but the rewards are immense.

Only you know the truth about your sight (i.e. that you can't see for toffee) but you've been able to dupe a whole host of people into believing you're part of the seeing elite like pilots, soldiers and surgeons - and that, my friend, feels amazing.  

I'm giving you all my tips free of charge on this blog, they're tried and tested - possibly quite dangerous on occasions admittedly - but if you're able to shrug off the occasional time you may make a bit of a fool of yourself its worth every minute! And remember the Bluffers motto: Its not what you can’t see, it's what THEY think you can.

Time for the latest bluff ... 

I believe that if something scares you, you should do it, right? Lots of things scare me but seemingly they're not things that most people, sight gifted people, would even think twice about. Standing in front of hundreds of people giving a presentation doesn't scare me, nor appearing on TV or radio but ... walking into a restaurant where I have arranged to meet someone who doesn’t know my sight is terrible fills me with utter dread. But I go, I don't wuss out with an excuse, and thats what any successful bluffer should do. The below scenario requires forward planning and nerves of steel.

Scenario

 It's a nice summer evening and you've arranged to meet up with a couple of new friends. You are excited about spending time in their company as they are funny and interesting people, however, you are cursing one of them for suggesting a pub you have never been to and no idea where it is. This is a complex bluff but please do bare with me and follow all the instructions to achieve your goal - making everyone think you can see.

1. The pub where you're all going to meet sounds gorgeous but you have no idea where it is. First things first, whip out your trusty smartphone, click into Google Street View and get cracking. When you've pinpointed the pub, follow the virtual route from the tube station or bus stop so you have no mishaps when you arrive and attempt the route for real.

2. Hit Safari and search for the pub's website. If the pub has its food menu online, take a look at it, find what you'd like to eat - it will save any embarrassing nose-to-menu issues later if the lighting turns out to be weird, or if the actual real life menu has been published using curly wirly olde english type, or if they think it's a great idea to plaster the walls with their food written up on stupid far-away chalkboards. Idiots. Extra tip: If the site has any shots of the pub's interior, scan them, take in as much detail about them as you can - you'll find out why later on.

3. Most IMPORTANT part of the bluff, arrive early, VERY early. If you have agreed 8 O’clock do not rock up five minutes beforehand, or even 10 - your friends might be there already. You need to get there unnaturally early, I would go with about 20 minutes before the prearranged time. It's the key to everything and means you won't have to track down your friends in a busy room where all the people have about as much detail as a Lowry painting and all look the same, just blobs in different coloured clothes. They all sound different, admittedly, but what are the chances of overhearing your friends amongst the clattering, the chattering and Sam Smith singing his little award-winning heart out through the sound system.

I need to step away from the bluff for one moment to tell you that you'll need a back-up plan. Despite meticulous planning, a situation might arise where your transport has let you down and you miss the opportunity for an early recce. It's like this: you turn up late. It's crowded. You need to think confident thoughts. Bluffers, you can still achieve and happily I have a stand-by bluff for you. Text your friends and let them know your new ETA; their responses will give away whether they are already at the venue - and they won't even know you've tricked it out of them you're so skill. If they are already there that's a problem but this is what you do. Walk in fumbling about in your bag, have your phone out pretending to check messages. DO NOT LOOK UP, give them the opportunity to spot you first and call you over. If they don't call you over, walk round the pub looking confident that you know where you're going. They will eventually see you when you get really close at which point you can make some random comment about how you were in your own little world or away with the fairies and would clearly have otherwise noticed them - this works every time, they need suspect nothing.

Back to your bluff which is going to plan

4. You arrive, and because you're there early you can pick the table. Choose a good one which has the best lighting, not facing the window if sunlight causes you issues, and not too dark so you will be able to read the menu. Go up to the bar and order yourself a drink so you can get the lay of the land, take a sneaky peak at those so-called “specials" which you're supposed to be able to glance at. Listen out for peple talking about the menu boards to glean added information. And here's the really good bit, if you've been able to study the menu, or can remember it from reading online earlier, you will be able to hold the menu a little further away than you normally would when your friends arrive. Do. Not. Judge. Me.

5. The next step is very important and can make a difference to your enjoyment of the night - try and work out where the toilets are. Watch the natural flow of people walking around. What direction are people walking in? Be very careful though, you do not want to enter the wrong sexed lav your cover could be blown immediately. (the away with the fairies line might just make you look like a perve if you try to use it in this situation, be warned)

6. You've had time to prepare and your friends could arrive at any moment now so get back on your phone and lose yourself in some tweeting, texting or fake instagraming. This bluff will help disguise the fact you haven't noticed a friend turning up. Only look up once you have established it's them walking with purpose towards you.

7. If you have not established where the toilet is you are going to be in for an uncomfortable night so do go easy on the Prosseco. Remember it is far more important to feel like your bladder has doubled in size and are in some considerable pain than to ask the location of the toilets!

Now, sit back and bask in the knowledge you are bluffing the lot of them, every, single person in that pub!

Lastly, I must 'fess up to something. Yes, I am an elite bluffer, yes, its a way of life and yes I am pretty ace at it. BUT there are a select few who know the hideous truth about my sickeningly awful vision and just won't entertain my bluffing. They automatically just go ahead and might read idiot chalkboards to me, tell me about badly dressed people across the room or yell my name out loudly so I know where they are in the pub. There is no jeopardy in this though and I love a challenge so much that I may drop them as friends to be honest. Maybe you should too.

Follow Kristina Venning on Twitter and listen to her on The White Noise Show podcast

Bluff #3 – How to see bus numbers, and other dodges

Once again, I welcome you into the undercover world of the bluffer, a dark place where few choose to walk and even fewer succeed.

For anyone unfamiliar with the word bluffer, on this blog it's used to describe a person who falls short in the eyesight stakes but wants to give the impression they are of the same visual calibre as everybody else. As I frequently say, its important as a bluffer to remember that Its not what you can’t see its what THEY think you can!

OK let's get started with my latest dodge. Given you are reading this, I can only assume you are far from being a 6/6’er and want to silently upgrade. It's tough to bring it up but I'm going to assume you cannot drive a car. Presently the law states that if you have a corrected visual acuity of 6/12 or more you can apply for a drivers license and, Like many of you, I absolutely cannot. I'd be laughed out of the MOT office or wherever you do driving lessons (no idea obviously).

Sadly, though there have been a few dangerous exceptions I'll talk about another day, it is one of the few instances bluffing can not be an option. This means travelling requires public transport. Today we are going to focus on buses.

Catching busses can cause all sorts of issues, and doing it in unfamiliar areas poses challenges in those for whom distance vision is but a dream. You are my people.

Difficulties include: not knowing which buses go from which stop, reading timetables and being able to identify the bus hurtling towards you.

Do. Not. Panic. As a competent bluffer you will use all resources available in order to reach your desired location and, crucially, WITHOUT asking for assistance.

Scenario 

You are going to a job interview, getting a taxi is an option, but living on the edge you want to push yourself and your bluffing skills to the limit.....

1. Make sure you have access to your smartphone and the internet - what do they call it these days, 3G or 4G, like numbers and letters you used to only see in recipes and now are gone 'lectronic.

2. Before leaving for the desired stop, click on google maps and get investigating the local area, home in on landmarks close by. This will aid you in rocking up, cool and casually as if you have spotted the bus shelter from a mile off. 

3. Next, download a bus app informing you which bus is due to arrive - do a quick google to check the info from a second source, just to be sure cos some of these apps are awful. (It's an extra complication but together we can beat it)

4. Now you are ready for the off, when at the bus stop, try and stand close to the kerb. If you are female try to do it in a way so that people don’t mistake you for a lady of the night. Proximity to the road gives you the clearest view of the oncoming traffic with no fellow passengers blocking the vista. 

 5. Get your phone camera ready to point and shoot. Put your headphones on but DO NOT start up any music. The headphones will mask what you will actually be doing ... which is listening in to conversations to catch any chatter about the bus arriving. 

 Warning: do not get too engrossed in any fascinating conversations, remember it could mean the difference between catching your bus and standing there for an extra 20 minutes for the next one and you'll only have to endure more rubbish about failed marriages, favourite underwear or what's on offer at Asdas's. 

6. If there is nobody else at the stop don’t bother with headphones they are merely a prop, a device for sneaky sight bluffers like you. You are going to have to rely on your app and hope its accurate. Mind you, ear devices will put off any would-be conversationalists because you will be clearly sending out the message “don’t even consider talking to me for I am a dude with my headphones in and that”!   

7. When you see the bus coming towards you, whip out the camera on your phone. Quickly and casually focus in on the number and look at it enlarged on your screen; if possible click for a pic just in case you need a second look. Nobody will think this peculiar most people standing at bus stops are slightly quirky, you will genuinely fit in.

9. As your bus pulls up, withdraw a bit and let others on, its not cool to look like you are really pleased with yourself. If the bus is fairly full, just aim for the front or standing room only, there is no obvious bluff to be able to tell if the seats right at the back are totally full up or if you might want to avoid the back due to teenage kids snogging there. Keep your cool just stay at the front, standing for 30 minutes is far better than walking to the back and having to sheepishly turn round and do the walk of shame back to the front again.

10. Hey presto you are on your way to your interview- mission accomplished

Please do be aware that it's better to miss 10 busses and be an hour late for an appointment than ever asking for help.

People think I'm joking when they read these posts but these are tried and tested methods that have worked for me hundreds of times. This bluff has a sadness rating of 8/10 - do not try unless you are entirely well-adjusted or self-aware.

You can follow Kristina on Twitter or listen to her podcast The White Noise Show

Bluff #2 – “A tall vanilla mocca macciato please, madame barista”

The time has come for another lesson for budding bluffers out there who want to achieve the ultimate goal of passing as a 6/6’er (someone with perfect vision) it’s not easy to perfect the art of bluffing but I'm here to help you.

And before we go any further, a key point to remember is that its not what you can’t see, it’s what THEY think you can!

With the advent of smartphones and all their accessibility features it means I am probably at the pinnacle of where i want to be in my bluffing career. As a bluffer your phone camera and zoom will become your best friends. Smartphones, mean you can blend in and your true identity will never be revealed. Your phone can nonchalantly be used out and about as an extra pair of eyes. Here is how it’s done.

Scenario 

In this example, you are having a meeting at an unfamiliar coffee shop, you don’t know the other person very well and don't want to reveal you've got terrible vision.

You'll be aware that coffee shops assume we all have the vision of a golden eagle and so hang their menu boards several metres behind their counter. They enjoy doing it, be under no false illusions.

Costa, Starbucks and Nero interior designers, try reading your list of fancy coffees using the wrong end of a pair of binoculars ... and just tell me how you like them apples. Huh? But I digress.

Your acquaintance has arrived and you want to show off that you're totally at home with these flat whites and caramel Macchiatos. Maybe you want to pig-out on a pastry or explore some flavoured green teas. But how do you achieve this if you can’t see what is on offer? Cue your bluff.

1.  Always arrive early, the earlier the better. This will allow for the smooth running of the your bluff

2.  Try and find a table close to the counter, with a clear uncluttered view of the board. You still won't be able to see it but it's part of something bigger. Read on (It will also help in the carrying of full cups of hot liquid through crowds of people. Which if you're like me and are about as dextrous as a hippo the less distance you'll need to walk, the better)

3.  Go to the counter and get a bottle of water, this will buy you some time and give you a reason to sit at the table alone for a while so you can prep. To the casual observer you will look like a regular customer.

4.  Take out your smartphone and act regular: open up apps, check emails, read a few tweets. When you think you've established you're just a normal person, messing about with their phone to pass the time of day ... hit the camera icon and get ready for action.

5.  Start by maybe taking a shot of your bottle of water, compose something arty and click away. Everyone will think, “bloody Instagramer” but that's perfect.

6.  Make your way to the counter, stopping to snap a “quick one” of their display of cakes and sanwiches. You're a bloody Instagrammer, remember, it's cool. Then go in for the all important killer shot - the menu boards.

7.  Once you've achieved the perfect shot - and by this I mean one which includes as much of the menu as possible - go back to your table and sit down.

8.  Begin zooming and navigating round your photo to your hearts content - you are now armed with as much information as everyone else in the coffee shop. People around you will think you are now annoyingly posting your stupid idiotic photos to Instagram (feel free to check out my Instagram feed by the way) They literally have no idea you're sight impoverished. I think. You're getting away with it.

9.  From the photo of the menu, remember a few items which can casually be thrown into any of those mainstream-style coffee ordering conversations you hear.

10. Your acquaintance arrives, offer to go to the counter with them so you can take full advantage of your hard-earned knowledge. Make sure you drop into conversation something about their chai latte selection just to be as convincing as possible. Pray they don’t talk about anything you've not managed to capture.

11. Once ordered and paid for you can now sit down with your mocha, chocca, frocca latte with a sense of satisfaction knowing once again you have taken another step forward in the quest to becoming a professional bluffer.

Conclusion: Everyone. It is far better to be considered a an Instagram loser than it is to be thought of as visually impaired. Oh yes. It's true.

You can follow Kristina on Twitter or listen to her podcast The White Noise Show

Bluff #1 – How to avoid ALL social awkwardness

You want to be part of my elite club? Well, you need to understand the rules: never talk about bluffing, don’t admit to it and definitely keep it up at all costs (not quite Fight Club. Don't you dare say I'm copying them ... I was aiming for Fame)

The fundamental key to success is using all your in-built bluffing mechanisms to be a convincing 6/6’er - that's a person with perfect vision. We're perhaps more used to hearing about people with 20/20 vision but that's American. 6/6 means perfect vision for UK people but I'll bore you about that another time. 

I don't like to use the phrase "visually impaired" people are scared by it and it's not something I want to be defined by but, well, yeah, this blog is for you lot. It's for people who want to make out they can see better than they can. I don't ever use the phrase , saying you've got "terrible eyesight" is far less offputting. So bluffers I would say use this instead. 

For bluffing virgins, I will concentrate this first lesson on THE most important bluff of all.

Scenario 

You have moved house, you don’t know the area, you don’t know your neighbours. It's important to get on with people who live nearby and it can lead to friendships and people thinking you're one heck of a regular person. Given that, to most people it would seem sensible to never get yourself in to a situation which would set off a catalogue of lies and deceit. Not to us bluffers though.

When you introduce yourself to new people, neighbours in this case, it might appear sensible or clever to nonchalantly drop into conversation that you can’t see too well; it could certainly head off any future confusion or embarrassment when they wave to you from across the street and you ignore them. 

Us bluffers, right, we are not sensible. We live in the shadows of “passing”. I was trying to think of a better way of suggesting we blank people a lot and that was the most positive spin I could put on it.

Here are a set of guidelines for meeting a new neighbour.

1. Chat away, exclaiming about the lovely area you have moved in to.

2. Talk about the beautiful flowers in their garden, even if they're just colour blobs from where you're standing.

3. Congratulate them on how well they have done in attracting local wildlife and on noticing a wooden thing that you deduce must be a bird table think of the most common bird you have knowledge of.

4. Express excitement at seeing said bird - “lesser spotted pigeon or something” in their ancient horse chestnut tree, even though the tree appears as an uninspiring large brown thing with green smudges all over it and you wouldn't be able to see an albatross least alone a tit or a speckle.

5. Try and maintain eye-contact. Hold their gaze even if like me you have nystagmus (wobbly eyes) which will probably result in a monumental dizzy spell and feeling of nausea so great you may need to sit down. Battle through these side effects and keep up the good work

6. When they ask where your car is, just try and change the subject really quickly and talk about the parking space situation on the street. That will set them off on a long rant for sure, which will take their mind off the original question.

7. Try and memorise any distinctive features about them, long hair, weird gate or stature. This is so you can really test your bluffing technique to its limits. Next time you recognise somebody who fits the description you've mapped out in your head , you can try saying hello with some degree of confidence that it may be your friendly neighbour with the crap tree. Correction, potential crap tree.

8. The most effective of all parts of this bluffing scenario is to try and avoid your neighbours wherever possible so that no social awkwardness can occur whatsoever. Use all resources available to you which can assist with this, e.g.: the spy hole in the door if you are not too sure who is standing their (so you can ignore them if necessary.) Before opening the front door listen out for any squeaky gates, cars drawing up or front doors being opened. Do not step out into the street if you think someone might be around. Not seeing people will ensure you never have to deal with not knowing who people are. Great advice I know you'll agree.

I hope you have found the above tips useful for getting your foot on the “bluffing ladder”. Remember it is far easier to go through all the steps outlined above than simply saying to someone in an initial encounter that if  ever you ignore them it's  just because you are very shortsighted.

You can follower Kristina on Twitter and listen to her podcast The White Noise Show