Bluff #2 – “A tall vanilla mocca macciato please, madame barista”

The time has come for another lesson for budding bluffers out there who want to achieve the ultimate goal of passing as a 6/6’er (someone with perfect vision) it’s not easy to perfect the art of bluffing but I'm here to help you.

And before we go any further, a key point to remember is that its not what you can’t see, it’s what THEY think you can!

With the advent of smartphones and all their accessibility features it means I am probably at the pinnacle of where i want to be in my bluffing career. As a bluffer your phone camera and zoom will become your best friends. Smartphones, mean you can blend in and your true identity will never be revealed. Your phone can nonchalantly be used out and about as an extra pair of eyes. Here is how it’s done.

Scenario 

In this example, you are having a meeting at an unfamiliar coffee shop, you don’t know the other person very well and don't want to reveal you've got terrible vision.

You'll be aware that coffee shops assume we all have the vision of a golden eagle and so hang their menu boards several metres behind their counter. They enjoy doing it, be under no false illusions.

Costa, Starbucks and Nero interior designers, try reading your list of fancy coffees using the wrong end of a pair of binoculars ... and just tell me how you like them apples. Huh? But I digress.

Your acquaintance has arrived and you want to show off that you're totally at home with these flat whites and caramel Macchiatos. Maybe you want to pig-out on a pastry or explore some flavoured green teas. But how do you achieve this if you can’t see what is on offer? Cue your bluff.

1.  Always arrive early, the earlier the better. This will allow for the smooth running of the your bluff

2.  Try and find a table close to the counter, with a clear uncluttered view of the board. You still won't be able to see it but it's part of something bigger. Read on (It will also help in the carrying of full cups of hot liquid through crowds of people. Which if you're like me and are about as dextrous as a hippo the less distance you'll need to walk, the better)

3.  Go to the counter and get a bottle of water, this will buy you some time and give you a reason to sit at the table alone for a while so you can prep. To the casual observer you will look like a regular customer.

4.  Take out your smartphone and act regular: open up apps, check emails, read a few tweets. When you think you've established you're just a normal person, messing about with their phone to pass the time of day ... hit the camera icon and get ready for action.

5.  Start by maybe taking a shot of your bottle of water, compose something arty and click away. Everyone will think, “bloody Instagramer” but that's perfect.

6.  Make your way to the counter, stopping to snap a “quick one” of their display of cakes and sanwiches. You're a bloody Instagrammer, remember, it's cool. Then go in for the all important killer shot - the menu boards.

7.  Once you've achieved the perfect shot - and by this I mean one which includes as much of the menu as possible - go back to your table and sit down.

8.  Begin zooming and navigating round your photo to your hearts content - you are now armed with as much information as everyone else in the coffee shop. People around you will think you are now annoyingly posting your stupid idiotic photos to Instagram (feel free to check out my Instagram feed by the way) They literally have no idea you're sight impoverished. I think. You're getting away with it.

9.  From the photo of the menu, remember a few items which can casually be thrown into any of those mainstream-style coffee ordering conversations you hear.

10. Your acquaintance arrives, offer to go to the counter with them so you can take full advantage of your hard-earned knowledge. Make sure you drop into conversation something about their chai latte selection just to be as convincing as possible. Pray they don’t talk about anything you've not managed to capture.

11. Once ordered and paid for you can now sit down with your mocha, chocca, frocca latte with a sense of satisfaction knowing once again you have taken another step forward in the quest to becoming a professional bluffer.

Conclusion: Everyone. It is far better to be considered a an Instagram loser than it is to be thought of as visually impaired. Oh yes. It's true.

You can follow Kristina on Twitter or listen to her podcast The White Noise Show