Take two bluffs

Take two innocent encounters, rubbishy eyesight and what have you got? A need to bluff. Two more audio bluffages.....

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Bluff Bite

Dear Bluffers,

I invite you to hear us disclosing more information that will ensure future bluffing successes when out reading prices in shops. Find out how to bluff your way to "seeing" so called birds in trees

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Follow me on Twitter and find us on Facebook

All your bluffing tips when shopping will appear here shortly.

And remember.... Its not what you can't see its what THEY think you can.

The White Noise Show

If you want to hear me talking about The Bluffington Post on Radio 4s In Touch take a listen here.

Stepping aside from bluffing for one minute, you may be interested to know that I present a podcast.

Its called The White Noise Show and its all about living with terrible eyesight. But before you click away in boredom, its not what you might expect. Its not about benefits, magnifiers and medical talk its funny, deep and personal. Sometimes a bit too personal. I present it with my BFF Sara. As well as shoddy eyesight another thing we have in common is that we have albinism and nystagmus (we are albinoids, Elsa lookalikes and sometimes referred to as albinos).

On our latest podcast we are talking about a variety of topics. Subjects include; being mothers with bad vision, potentially passing our condition on to our children and whether it is better to have Gingerism or Albinism! My favourite part of the show is our live Twitter search feed for the word “albino". Often it is odd or curious, sometimes its offensive regularly its about rabbits, mice or turtles but it can be quite illuminating to see what people are tweeting about “our” kind. Take a listen and let me know what you think about it.

More bluffs coming VERY soon. I am also keen to hear yours. You can contact me on Twitter.

Bluff #4: The Road Bluff

I fear I may have given you bluffing overload with my recent scenarios, so today we will keep it short and simple. And remember It's not what you can't see its what THEY think you can!

Not all bluffs are complicated and sometimes it's the simplest ones that are most effective.  Some bluffs can literally mean the difference between life and death.  I am not advocating the below for the faint hearted incidentally, the outcome may result in action being taken by social services and sight loss charities up and down the land.

Today we are going to talk about crossing roads. Please read carefully before you continue

Disclaimer: The information on this website is for general guidance ONLY and is aimed at bluffers and potential bluffers. The clever people behind this site take no responsibility for the outcome of its bluffs which regularly contain no proven logic or sense. 

Scenario

It's a lovely sunny day. You are walking down Regents Street with a spring in your step, ducking and diving through the crowds, and happily blending in as a proper “Sightie”.

On the outside you appear just like everybody else, and thats how you like it. But you know the dark secret which lurks behind the facade, and its certainly not going to slip at the mere prospect of crossing a road.

You've been swept along by the crowd which gradually begins to slow. Eventually you find yourself at that big crossroads between Oxford Circus and Regents Street. There are lots of people in front, its sunny and you can’t really see the traffic lights. 

People are crossing randomly and you desperately don’t want to get run over or ask somebody if its ok to cross. Follow the instructions below to ensure your dirty sight loss secret remains secret. 

1. Have a quick nosey to see if there are any women with pushchairs, they are THE key to your bluff, they will only cross when the lights have changed and its safe to go. If you can stand directly behind them or to the side and when they start jiggling around with their pushchair you know its nearly your time.

2. If there are no mothers, old people are a good bet or people holding the hands of children.

3. Once you have found your target to fixate on just wait, take your cue as soon as they start moving, its all systems go, do not hang around, follow their every move, This should secure your successful crossing.

4. Result. You are now able to continue on your journey full of bluffing pride.

Please remember it's far more important to risk the prospect of getting injured by a car than to confirm with a member of the public that its ok to cross. Bluffers you know a broken pelvis is worth it if people think you will have the visual ability to drive a motability car home from the hospital afterwards.

Follow Kristina on Twitter and listen to her on The White Noise Show podcast

Bluff #4: The pub bluff

Before we get onto the latest lesson on bluffing your way to a sighted life, let me spoil you with some of that motivational speaking stuff. Here goes ...  remember readers, bluffing is hard - damn hard sometimes - but the rewards are immense.

Only you know the truth about your sight (i.e. that you can't see for toffee) but you've been able to dupe a whole host of people into believing you're part of the seeing elite like pilots, soldiers and surgeons - and that, my friend, feels amazing.  

I'm giving you all my tips free of charge on this blog, they're tried and tested - possibly quite dangerous on occasions admittedly - but if you're able to shrug off the occasional time you may make a bit of a fool of yourself its worth every minute! And remember the Bluffers motto: Its not what you can’t see, it's what THEY think you can.

Time for the latest bluff ... 

I believe that if something scares you, you should do it, right? Lots of things scare me but seemingly they're not things that most people, sight gifted people, would even think twice about. Standing in front of hundreds of people giving a presentation doesn't scare me, nor appearing on TV or radio but ... walking into a restaurant where I have arranged to meet someone who doesn’t know my sight is terrible fills me with utter dread. But I go, I don't wuss out with an excuse, and thats what any successful bluffer should do. The below scenario requires forward planning and nerves of steel.

Scenario

 It's a nice summer evening and you've arranged to meet up with a couple of new friends. You are excited about spending time in their company as they are funny and interesting people, however, you are cursing one of them for suggesting a pub you have never been to and no idea where it is. This is a complex bluff but please do bare with me and follow all the instructions to achieve your goal - making everyone think you can see.

1. The pub where you're all going to meet sounds gorgeous but you have no idea where it is. First things first, whip out your trusty smartphone, click into Google Street View and get cracking. When you've pinpointed the pub, follow the virtual route from the tube station or bus stop so you have no mishaps when you arrive and attempt the route for real.

2. Hit Safari and search for the pub's website. If the pub has its food menu online, take a look at it, find what you'd like to eat - it will save any embarrassing nose-to-menu issues later if the lighting turns out to be weird, or if the actual real life menu has been published using curly wirly olde english type, or if they think it's a great idea to plaster the walls with their food written up on stupid far-away chalkboards. Idiots. Extra tip: If the site has any shots of the pub's interior, scan them, take in as much detail about them as you can - you'll find out why later on.

3. Most IMPORTANT part of the bluff, arrive early, VERY early. If you have agreed 8 O’clock do not rock up five minutes beforehand, or even 10 - your friends might be there already. You need to get there unnaturally early, I would go with about 20 minutes before the prearranged time. It's the key to everything and means you won't have to track down your friends in a busy room where all the people have about as much detail as a Lowry painting and all look the same, just blobs in different coloured clothes. They all sound different, admittedly, but what are the chances of overhearing your friends amongst the clattering, the chattering and Sam Smith singing his little award-winning heart out through the sound system.

I need to step away from the bluff for one moment to tell you that you'll need a back-up plan. Despite meticulous planning, a situation might arise where your transport has let you down and you miss the opportunity for an early recce. It's like this: you turn up late. It's crowded. You need to think confident thoughts. Bluffers, you can still achieve and happily I have a stand-by bluff for you. Text your friends and let them know your new ETA; their responses will give away whether they are already at the venue - and they won't even know you've tricked it out of them you're so skill. If they are already there that's a problem but this is what you do. Walk in fumbling about in your bag, have your phone out pretending to check messages. DO NOT LOOK UP, give them the opportunity to spot you first and call you over. If they don't call you over, walk round the pub looking confident that you know where you're going. They will eventually see you when you get really close at which point you can make some random comment about how you were in your own little world or away with the fairies and would clearly have otherwise noticed them - this works every time, they need suspect nothing.

Back to your bluff which is going to plan

4. You arrive, and because you're there early you can pick the table. Choose a good one which has the best lighting, not facing the window if sunlight causes you issues, and not too dark so you will be able to read the menu. Go up to the bar and order yourself a drink so you can get the lay of the land, take a sneaky peak at those so-called “specials" which you're supposed to be able to glance at. Listen out for peple talking about the menu boards to glean added information. And here's the really good bit, if you've been able to study the menu, or can remember it from reading online earlier, you will be able to hold the menu a little further away than you normally would when your friends arrive. Do. Not. Judge. Me.

5. The next step is very important and can make a difference to your enjoyment of the night - try and work out where the toilets are. Watch the natural flow of people walking around. What direction are people walking in? Be very careful though, you do not want to enter the wrong sexed lav your cover could be blown immediately. (the away with the fairies line might just make you look like a perve if you try to use it in this situation, be warned)

6. You've had time to prepare and your friends could arrive at any moment now so get back on your phone and lose yourself in some tweeting, texting or fake instagraming. This bluff will help disguise the fact you haven't noticed a friend turning up. Only look up once you have established it's them walking with purpose towards you.

7. If you have not established where the toilet is you are going to be in for an uncomfortable night so do go easy on the Prosseco. Remember it is far more important to feel like your bladder has doubled in size and are in some considerable pain than to ask the location of the toilets!

Now, sit back and bask in the knowledge you are bluffing the lot of them, every, single person in that pub!

Lastly, I must 'fess up to something. Yes, I am an elite bluffer, yes, its a way of life and yes I am pretty ace at it. BUT there are a select few who know the hideous truth about my sickeningly awful vision and just won't entertain my bluffing. They automatically just go ahead and might read idiot chalkboards to me, tell me about badly dressed people across the room or yell my name out loudly so I know where they are in the pub. There is no jeopardy in this though and I love a challenge so much that I may drop them as friends to be honest. Maybe you should too.

Follow Kristina Venning on Twitter and listen to her on The White Noise Show podcast

Bluff #3 – How to see bus numbers, and other dodges

Once again, I welcome you into the undercover world of the bluffer, a dark place where few choose to walk and even fewer succeed.

For anyone unfamiliar with the word bluffer, on this blog it's used to describe a person who falls short in the eyesight stakes but wants to give the impression they are of the same visual calibre as everybody else. As I frequently say, its important as a bluffer to remember that Its not what you can’t see its what THEY think you can!

OK let's get started with my latest dodge. Given you are reading this, I can only assume you are far from being a 6/6’er and want to silently upgrade. It's tough to bring it up but I'm going to assume you cannot drive a car. Presently the law states that if you have a corrected visual acuity of 6/12 or more you can apply for a drivers license and, Like many of you, I absolutely cannot. I'd be laughed out of the MOT office or wherever you do driving lessons (no idea obviously).

Sadly, though there have been a few dangerous exceptions I'll talk about another day, it is one of the few instances bluffing can not be an option. This means travelling requires public transport. Today we are going to focus on buses.

Catching busses can cause all sorts of issues, and doing it in unfamiliar areas poses challenges in those for whom distance vision is but a dream. You are my people.

Difficulties include: not knowing which buses go from which stop, reading timetables and being able to identify the bus hurtling towards you.

Do. Not. Panic. As a competent bluffer you will use all resources available in order to reach your desired location and, crucially, WITHOUT asking for assistance.

Scenario 

You are going to a job interview, getting a taxi is an option, but living on the edge you want to push yourself and your bluffing skills to the limit.....

1. Make sure you have access to your smartphone and the internet - what do they call it these days, 3G or 4G, like numbers and letters you used to only see in recipes and now are gone 'lectronic.

2. Before leaving for the desired stop, click on google maps and get investigating the local area, home in on landmarks close by. This will aid you in rocking up, cool and casually as if you have spotted the bus shelter from a mile off. 

3. Next, download a bus app informing you which bus is due to arrive - do a quick google to check the info from a second source, just to be sure cos some of these apps are awful. (It's an extra complication but together we can beat it)

4. Now you are ready for the off, when at the bus stop, try and stand close to the kerb. If you are female try to do it in a way so that people don’t mistake you for a lady of the night. Proximity to the road gives you the clearest view of the oncoming traffic with no fellow passengers blocking the vista. 

 5. Get your phone camera ready to point and shoot. Put your headphones on but DO NOT start up any music. The headphones will mask what you will actually be doing ... which is listening in to conversations to catch any chatter about the bus arriving. 

 Warning: do not get too engrossed in any fascinating conversations, remember it could mean the difference between catching your bus and standing there for an extra 20 minutes for the next one and you'll only have to endure more rubbish about failed marriages, favourite underwear or what's on offer at Asdas's. 

6. If there is nobody else at the stop don’t bother with headphones they are merely a prop, a device for sneaky sight bluffers like you. You are going to have to rely on your app and hope its accurate. Mind you, ear devices will put off any would-be conversationalists because you will be clearly sending out the message “don’t even consider talking to me for I am a dude with my headphones in and that”!   

7. When you see the bus coming towards you, whip out the camera on your phone. Quickly and casually focus in on the number and look at it enlarged on your screen; if possible click for a pic just in case you need a second look. Nobody will think this peculiar most people standing at bus stops are slightly quirky, you will genuinely fit in.

9. As your bus pulls up, withdraw a bit and let others on, its not cool to look like you are really pleased with yourself. If the bus is fairly full, just aim for the front or standing room only, there is no obvious bluff to be able to tell if the seats right at the back are totally full up or if you might want to avoid the back due to teenage kids snogging there. Keep your cool just stay at the front, standing for 30 minutes is far better than walking to the back and having to sheepishly turn round and do the walk of shame back to the front again.

10. Hey presto you are on your way to your interview- mission accomplished

Please do be aware that it's better to miss 10 busses and be an hour late for an appointment than ever asking for help.

People think I'm joking when they read these posts but these are tried and tested methods that have worked for me hundreds of times. This bluff has a sadness rating of 8/10 - do not try unless you are entirely well-adjusted or self-aware.

You can follow Kristina on Twitter or listen to her podcast The White Noise Show

Bluff #2 – “A tall vanilla mocca macciato please, madame barista”

The time has come for another lesson for budding bluffers out there who want to achieve the ultimate goal of passing as a 6/6’er (someone with perfect vision) it’s not easy to perfect the art of bluffing but I'm here to help you.

And before we go any further, a key point to remember is that its not what you can’t see, it’s what THEY think you can!

With the advent of smartphones and all their accessibility features it means I am probably at the pinnacle of where i want to be in my bluffing career. As a bluffer your phone camera and zoom will become your best friends. Smartphones, mean you can blend in and your true identity will never be revealed. Your phone can nonchalantly be used out and about as an extra pair of eyes. Here is how it’s done.

Scenario 

In this example, you are having a meeting at an unfamiliar coffee shop, you don’t know the other person very well and don't want to reveal you've got terrible vision.

You'll be aware that coffee shops assume we all have the vision of a golden eagle and so hang their menu boards several metres behind their counter. They enjoy doing it, be under no false illusions.

Costa, Starbucks and Nero interior designers, try reading your list of fancy coffees using the wrong end of a pair of binoculars ... and just tell me how you like them apples. Huh? But I digress.

Your acquaintance has arrived and you want to show off that you're totally at home with these flat whites and caramel Macchiatos. Maybe you want to pig-out on a pastry or explore some flavoured green teas. But how do you achieve this if you can’t see what is on offer? Cue your bluff.

1.  Always arrive early, the earlier the better. This will allow for the smooth running of the your bluff

2.  Try and find a table close to the counter, with a clear uncluttered view of the board. You still won't be able to see it but it's part of something bigger. Read on (It will also help in the carrying of full cups of hot liquid through crowds of people. Which if you're like me and are about as dextrous as a hippo the less distance you'll need to walk, the better)

3.  Go to the counter and get a bottle of water, this will buy you some time and give you a reason to sit at the table alone for a while so you can prep. To the casual observer you will look like a regular customer.

4.  Take out your smartphone and act regular: open up apps, check emails, read a few tweets. When you think you've established you're just a normal person, messing about with their phone to pass the time of day ... hit the camera icon and get ready for action.

5.  Start by maybe taking a shot of your bottle of water, compose something arty and click away. Everyone will think, “bloody Instagramer” but that's perfect.

6.  Make your way to the counter, stopping to snap a “quick one” of their display of cakes and sanwiches. You're a bloody Instagrammer, remember, it's cool. Then go in for the all important killer shot - the menu boards.

7.  Once you've achieved the perfect shot - and by this I mean one which includes as much of the menu as possible - go back to your table and sit down.

8.  Begin zooming and navigating round your photo to your hearts content - you are now armed with as much information as everyone else in the coffee shop. People around you will think you are now annoyingly posting your stupid idiotic photos to Instagram (feel free to check out my Instagram feed by the way) They literally have no idea you're sight impoverished. I think. You're getting away with it.

9.  From the photo of the menu, remember a few items which can casually be thrown into any of those mainstream-style coffee ordering conversations you hear.

10. Your acquaintance arrives, offer to go to the counter with them so you can take full advantage of your hard-earned knowledge. Make sure you drop into conversation something about their chai latte selection just to be as convincing as possible. Pray they don’t talk about anything you've not managed to capture.

11. Once ordered and paid for you can now sit down with your mocha, chocca, frocca latte with a sense of satisfaction knowing once again you have taken another step forward in the quest to becoming a professional bluffer.

Conclusion: Everyone. It is far better to be considered a an Instagram loser than it is to be thought of as visually impaired. Oh yes. It's true.

You can follow Kristina on Twitter or listen to her podcast The White Noise Show