Bluff #3 – How to see bus numbers, and other dodges

Once again, I welcome you into the undercover world of the bluffer, a dark place where few choose to walk and even fewer succeed.

For anyone unfamiliar with the word bluffer, on this blog it's used to describe a person who falls short in the eyesight stakes but wants to give the impression they are of the same visual calibre as everybody else. As I frequently say, its important as a bluffer to remember that Its not what you can’t see its what THEY think you can!

OK let's get started with my latest dodge. Given you are reading this, I can only assume you are far from being a 6/6’er and want to silently upgrade. It's tough to bring it up but I'm going to assume you cannot drive a car. Presently the law states that if you have a corrected visual acuity of 6/12 or more you can apply for a drivers license and, Like many of you, I absolutely cannot. I'd be laughed out of the MOT office or wherever you do driving lessons (no idea obviously).

Sadly, though there have been a few dangerous exceptions I'll talk about another day, it is one of the few instances bluffing can not be an option. This means travelling requires public transport. Today we are going to focus on buses.

Catching busses can cause all sorts of issues, and doing it in unfamiliar areas poses challenges in those for whom distance vision is but a dream. You are my people.

Difficulties include: not knowing which buses go from which stop, reading timetables and being able to identify the bus hurtling towards you.

Do. Not. Panic. As a competent bluffer you will use all resources available in order to reach your desired location and, crucially, WITHOUT asking for assistance.

Scenario 

You are going to a job interview, getting a taxi is an option, but living on the edge you want to push yourself and your bluffing skills to the limit.....

1. Make sure you have access to your smartphone and the internet - what do they call it these days, 3G or 4G, like numbers and letters you used to only see in recipes and now are gone 'lectronic.

2. Before leaving for the desired stop, click on google maps and get investigating the local area, home in on landmarks close by. This will aid you in rocking up, cool and casually as if you have spotted the bus shelter from a mile off. 

3. Next, download a bus app informing you which bus is due to arrive - do a quick google to check the info from a second source, just to be sure cos some of these apps are awful. (It's an extra complication but together we can beat it)

4. Now you are ready for the off, when at the bus stop, try and stand close to the kerb. If you are female try to do it in a way so that people don’t mistake you for a lady of the night. Proximity to the road gives you the clearest view of the oncoming traffic with no fellow passengers blocking the vista. 

 5. Get your phone camera ready to point and shoot. Put your headphones on but DO NOT start up any music. The headphones will mask what you will actually be doing ... which is listening in to conversations to catch any chatter about the bus arriving. 

 Warning: do not get too engrossed in any fascinating conversations, remember it could mean the difference between catching your bus and standing there for an extra 20 minutes for the next one and you'll only have to endure more rubbish about failed marriages, favourite underwear or what's on offer at Asdas's. 

6. If there is nobody else at the stop don’t bother with headphones they are merely a prop, a device for sneaky sight bluffers like you. You are going to have to rely on your app and hope its accurate. Mind you, ear devices will put off any would-be conversationalists because you will be clearly sending out the message “don’t even consider talking to me for I am a dude with my headphones in and that”!   

7. When you see the bus coming towards you, whip out the camera on your phone. Quickly and casually focus in on the number and look at it enlarged on your screen; if possible click for a pic just in case you need a second look. Nobody will think this peculiar most people standing at bus stops are slightly quirky, you will genuinely fit in.

9. As your bus pulls up, withdraw a bit and let others on, its not cool to look like you are really pleased with yourself. If the bus is fairly full, just aim for the front or standing room only, there is no obvious bluff to be able to tell if the seats right at the back are totally full up or if you might want to avoid the back due to teenage kids snogging there. Keep your cool just stay at the front, standing for 30 minutes is far better than walking to the back and having to sheepishly turn round and do the walk of shame back to the front again.

10. Hey presto you are on your way to your interview- mission accomplished

Please do be aware that it's better to miss 10 busses and be an hour late for an appointment than ever asking for help.

People think I'm joking when they read these posts but these are tried and tested methods that have worked for me hundreds of times. This bluff has a sadness rating of 8/10 - do not try unless you are entirely well-adjusted or self-aware.

You can follow Kristina on Twitter or listen to her podcast The White Noise Show