Essential bluffing rules

So you want to be part of the ‘bluffing' crowd do you? Well it's not that easy, and you don’t just 'get things' in life because you want them - you have to prove yourself first before the membership process can even be considered. Here are a few things to bare in mind before embarking on the journey that some may refer to as 'life dodging'!

The rather unforgettable acronym 'Be Popped' will echo round your mind from this day on…..
1. Be on guard at all times, don’t let your cover slip for a moment. You may think that putting a menu an inch closer to your eyes in order to read it is ok - ITS NOT, don’t do it.
2. Eye contact - Not an easy or natural thing for some bluffers, particularly those (like myself) with crazy eyes that do their own thing (peeps interested in medical stuff its called nystagmus)  Those in the perfect vision fraternity seem to rate it a great deal and place huge importance on this. So, thats what you HAVE to do. Maintain looking straight at someone at all costs even if their eyes are just like blobs on a face and the sheer act of fixating on something means you may keel over, throw up with dizziness or make your pupils go even more bonkers than before - It doesn’t matter! You are fooling people which will, in turn make you awesome!
3. Preparation is the key, you know that quote from one of those 'founding father' blokes in America; “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail”. An example, Don’t just rock up at a train station without your iPhone and that 'I don’t even need to bother pretending to see the departure boards I can just look at my phone to see which platform I am heading to app' and expect to know where your train is leaving from without asking someone. Or looking like a fool contorting your body in ridiculous angels trying to squint to see. Download all available apps, bring your smartphone and above all research.
4. Our moto is, Its not what you can’t see its what THEY think you can.
5. Position - (BTW if you have got this far down my list, good for you - tweet me I will send you a prize) by this I mean always put yourself in places where you can max out on acquiring info from folk around you. Listening in on conversations can make a difference  as to whether you end up getting that all new super duper, springtime mintalicious mocha or a boring old builders tea in Starbucks because the menu boards and the exciting - 'New for this season' stuff are literally kilometres away!
6. Patience - bide your time, your eyes aren’t as SH1T3 hot as everyone else’s. My tips and tricks will get you to where you want to be as a 'sightie' but may take you that little bit longer - you will get there. Of course asking somebody would cut out about 10 of your bluffing steps and get you what you want in half the time. But why the heck would you ever want to do that?!
7. Enjoy - have fun with pretending, sometimes its hard, sometimes you are skating close to 'the truth' but revel in the fact that it makes you cleverer and smarter than those 'I am just driving off in my car' smug eyed people!
8. Do not under any circumstances tell anyone you are a ‘Bluffer'.

I hope the 8 step guide will increase the chances of bluffing success!

Bluff #5: The Shop Bluff

Bluffers, you're coming out of the woodwork to tell me that you do the same as me. I knew it. Be proud of your bluffing heritage and please keep sending me your success stories on Twitters and the Facebooks. We need to keep the tricks and tips alive. Remember though, DO NOT EVER tell those sightalicious outsiders what you're up to. You're like a replicant in Bladerunner, they're just waiting to get you for being a fake.

As you know, my techniques are tried, tested and generally very successful. However, I occasionally experience a bluffing "malfunction". One such malfunction happened to me the other day to my absolute horror, one so bad that I almost got found out. I daren't say exactly what happened but today, on Easter Monday, I'm publishing these smart new shopping bluff guidelines so it will never happen to you.

Scenario

You are out shopping for some mascara and underwear (sorry boys, I know you hate this kind of thing) at a large unfamiliar department store. When I say large it's one of those flagship stores where finding anything you want is like looking for a needle in a haystack even if you can see proper. It has signs hung so high you have to be a character from Jack and the Beanstalk to be able to guess what they say.

I must emphasise DO NOT ask for directions or help, you have to do this alone - remember, Its not what you can’t see, its what THEY think you can.

* Part i - Finding that mascara 

1. The key to bluffing is forward planning. First trawl the internet for that super cool mascara you want, go to google images, take a screengrab of it and keep it with you when you go shopping. More on this later but be assured that this bit of prep will later stop you from having to pick up 

every single long dark tube to see if it's the right one. 

2.  At the shop, you'll first have to find the make-up department. When you enter the front door, get your nose into action immediately - perfume and cosmetics are nearly always on the ground floor so can't be far away. And if you find one, you find the other. 

3. Once you detect perfume, follow the scent. But don't go thinking you've cracked it at this stage, there's more cleverness to come.

4. When your nose is practically burning and your lungs about to cave in with that cloud of pong, you're there, so hang around those women who do makeup trials. Try the perfume samples, pick up the pretty boxes and pretend you can read the stupid gold curly wirly writing on the bottles. But all the time listen carefully to the women as they talk endlessly about the strange snail face creams and eye shadow they are trialling. Ideally you'd want them to mention the brand you're interested in but that's not wholly necessary. 

5. Wait until they walk one of their customers over to a range of products they've been talking about and discretely follow. They should lead you straight to the make-up stands. From there you can locate your brand, and match the image on your phone to all the different coloured blobby things in front of you. Once you spot what you want, give yourself a virtual high five (don’t actually do this as people will think you are slightly unhinged - although it may be better for them to think this than know the disgusting truth)

* Part ii: Finding the underwear

6. Get back on to the main thoroughfare and follow the crowds, the likelihood is they will be heading for the escalators where those stupid far-away floor planner signs are, you know, the one's that say "first floor: garden hoses, bras and cookie cutters" and helpful stuff like that. 

7. People will be milling around, it's always busy here, but you're going to have to cause disruption and get as close as you can to the signs so you can locate the floor you need. If you're feeling extra cool, or think you can pass off the look of a 

shop-sign obsessive, do that smartphone trick - stand back, look cool and zoom in on the bit of the sign you need. Armed with that knowledge, board the escalator and smile inwardly.

8. WARNING: This next bit needs real patience. You reach the correct floor but now for the time-consuming task of locating which part of the floor you need to be on for the underwear - WITHOUT ASKING. Walk purposefully. Be casual like you're just browsing, Which of course you are not - browsing from a distance is impossible, you can only work out what things are by the colour, shape and your own practised common sense.

9. Keep going along the main gangway, it will take you through all sorts of things you don’t want or are not really interested in but percevere, don’t go off the beaten track or head for the attractive blobs of the stationery section (as brightly coloured and interesting as they look you may get lost and miss vital clues).

10. Eventually the gangway will probably lead you to the socks and tights, then maybe nightwear. By this point you will be metres from your target section

11. As you're in the general ballpark now, you can afford to look like a proper sightie. Rub their faces in your amazing acuity by picking up anything you want; do it with purpose and pretend to read the labels too, especially the tiny print ones. Do it a few times, hell go for it you queen of all sight, you.

12. When you're definitely in the underwear section, look for the garment you've come in for. If you have trouble finding the right size due to small print and badly contrasting coat hangers then take a selection to the changing room where you can peek at them as closely as you like once you're safely tucked away behind a curtain.

13. With the correct size in your hand, leave the cubicle and follow other customers carrying garments - they will lead you to the tills where you can pay. Try not to show too much delight that you have successfully duped a whole department store into thinking you are the most sighted person on earth. Thousands of people. Don't say impairment, do say entrapment - idiots.

GENERAL NOTE: It is important to waste many valuable minutes of your day walking round in circles trying to find something in a shop rather than ask a member of staff to assist you.