Dear bluffers,
I know you like a good bluff, but I am now ramping it up a level - please don’t judge me! Bluffing is an art, it’s about thinking outside the box and being creative. I warn you that what you are about to read is possibly stretching my bonkersness to it's limits.
I know you like a good bluff, but I am now ramping it up a level - please don’t judge me! Bluffing is an art, it’s about thinking outside the box and being creative. I warn you that what you are about to read is possibly stretching my bonkersness to it's limits.
I love books, the smell, the feel and the curling up on the sofa with a cup of tea engrossed in a novel - heaven! However, my eyes aren’t as keen on them, I have squinted my way through Nuffield science books in high school, Anthony Giddens Sociology papers at university and The Guardian on a weekend but it’s a struggle. This word “struggle” shouldn’t generally be mentioned by bluffers - only in exceptional circumstances, count this is as one of them! The wonderful world of audible has enabled my poor peepers to rest for a while but nothing beats an old fashioned book or being amongst them. Cue bluff….
You are at an airport, or train station and have time to kill: Perfume shop... check, duty free...check, random electrical shop...check, Tie Rack (does that even exist still?)...check. The last remaining shop is the book store. You want to buy your mum The Great British Bake Off book as a Thank You gift. Remember the aim of being a bluffer is to fool people into thinking you have vision that goes above and beyond normal acuity. You want to ooze vision like my favourite comedian Josie Long oozes humour. Here is how you do it.
1, Walk through the door with confidence and purpose
2. Glance in the direction of the shop assistants and will them to ask you if you need any help - they usually do. You can look right back at them with the biggest smile and say that you are absolutely fine. This of course is the biggest lie you have told that day or even possibly that week. You are far from fine, the more you look at the book shelves the more they appear to close in on you and become big blocks of blur.
3. Make out you are browsing as you go and that you totally know where the section you want is and just casually meandering your way to it
4. Pick up a book from one of the display tables to try and orient yourself, book shops are vaguely formulaic and you can work out that if you are near a Susan Boyle autobiography or Stephen Hawkings “A Brief History Of Time" book you are way off target.
5. Don’t be shy, amble across a few metres to another display table, picking up another book as you go. If you are holding an Alan Titchmarsh tome about gardening through the seasons or Kirstie Allsopp's latest craft projects you are getting within range. Hobbies, and gardening books are largely grouped in the same location as foodie stuff.
6. At this point make your way to the nearest bookcases - I believe the lazy people with perfect vision who put no effort in to seeing just glance from the doorway and see the sign above the shelf that reads “Cookery Books”. For some of you bluffers, you might not even be aware of the signs existence.
7. The next part will take some time so be patient, you need to make sure you find the exact location of the department you want. For this to run smoothly you are going to have to pick up a few books, pull them out of the shelves slightly to peak at the titles. I think this may be a nystagmus thing but if left to my own devices in the privacy of my own home where bluffing is not needed, I would put my head to a 45 degree angle and scan the titles. This, however, is unacceptable as a bluffer in public - you may as well have a pair of binoculars round your neck and bonce boppers with flashing lights which project “Bad Eyesight” wherever you go if you do strange things with the position of your head for all to see!
8. If you have read the other bluffs you are sure to be aware of how important prep is. With this in mind you will have had a quick squiz on your Amazon app so you can easily recognise the front cover and spine of the book you are intending to buy. Or, if you are feeling daring and have time on your hands you can ramp it up a notch and just hope you chance upon the correct title. After puling out a few hundred books, you will have identified the rough location of your Bake Off book, Sue Perkins would probably be very proud! Scour the shelves for the spine which matches the one you identified online until you hit upon your target. I am sure the sense of relief and excitement will be evident from the huge grin on your face. But those around you will just assume its because you are a massive Bake Off fan and dead chuffed to be buying the book.
9. Make your way to the counter, once you have handed your book to the assistant they will probably ask if they can help you with anything else, don’t even consider this an option and get the heck out of there with the knowledge you have bluffed your way to success. Yes the whole process may have taken 20 minutes out of your hectic schedule and asking for help would have cut the whole process down to only a few minutes, but think how euphoric you are feeling now!
And remember…It’s not what you can’t see it’s what they think you can!
Follow Kristina on Twitter listen to her podcast The White Noise Show
Follow Kristina on Twitter listen to her podcast The White Noise Show
