You want to be part of my elite club? Well, you need to understand the rules: never talk about bluffing, don’t admit to it and definitely keep it up at all costs (not quite Fight Club. Don't you dare say I'm copying them ... I was aiming for Fame)
The fundamental key to success is using all your in-built bluffing mechanisms to be a convincing 6/6’er - that's a person with perfect vision. We're perhaps more used to hearing about people with 20/20 vision but that's American. 6/6 means perfect vision for UK people but I'll bore you about that another time.
I don't like to use the phrase "visually impaired" people are scared by it and it's not something I want to be defined by but, well, yeah, this blog is for you lot. It's for people who want to make out they can see better than they can. I don't ever use the phrase , saying you've got "terrible eyesight" is far less offputting. So bluffers I would say use this instead.
For bluffing virgins, I will concentrate this first lesson on THE most important bluff of all.
Scenario
You have moved house, you don’t know the area, you don’t know your neighbours. It's important to get on with people who live nearby and it can lead to friendships and people thinking you're one heck of a regular person. Given that, to most people it would seem sensible to never get yourself in to a situation which would set off a catalogue of lies and deceit. Not to us bluffers though.
When you introduce yourself to new people, neighbours in this case, it might appear sensible or clever to nonchalantly drop into conversation that you can’t see too well; it could certainly head off any future confusion or embarrassment when they wave to you from across the street and you ignore them.
Us bluffers, right, we are not sensible. We live in the shadows of “passing”. I was trying to think of a better way of suggesting we blank people a lot and that was the most positive spin I could put on it.
Here are a set of guidelines for meeting a new neighbour.
1. Chat away, exclaiming about the lovely area you have moved in to.
2. Talk about the beautiful flowers in their garden, even if they're just colour blobs from where you're standing.
3. Congratulate them on how well they have done in attracting local wildlife and on noticing a wooden thing that you deduce must be a bird table think of the most common bird you have knowledge of.
4. Express excitement at seeing said bird - “lesser spotted pigeon or something” in their ancient horse chestnut tree, even though the tree appears as an uninspiring large brown thing with green smudges all over it and you wouldn't be able to see an albatross least alone a tit or a speckle.
5. Try and maintain eye-contact. Hold their gaze even if like me you have nystagmus (wobbly eyes) which will probably result in a monumental dizzy spell and feeling of nausea so great you may need to sit down. Battle through these side effects and keep up the good work
6. When they ask where your car is, just try and change the subject really quickly and talk about the parking space situation on the street. That will set them off on a long rant for sure, which will take their mind off the original question.
7. Try and memorise any distinctive features about them, long hair, weird gate or stature. This is so you can really test your bluffing technique to its limits. Next time you recognise somebody who fits the description you've mapped out in your head , you can try saying hello with some degree of confidence that it may be your friendly neighbour with the crap tree. Correction, potential crap tree.
8. The most effective of all parts of this bluffing scenario is to try and avoid your neighbours wherever possible so that no social awkwardness can occur whatsoever. Use all resources available to you which can assist with this, e.g.: the spy hole in the door if you are not too sure who is standing their (so you can ignore them if necessary.) Before opening the front door listen out for any squeaky gates, cars drawing up or front doors being opened. Do not step out into the street if you think someone might be around. Not seeing people will ensure you never have to deal with not knowing who people are. Great advice I know you'll agree.
I hope you have found the above tips useful for getting your foot on the “bluffing ladder”. Remember it is far easier to go through all the steps outlined above than simply saying to someone in an initial encounter that if ever you ignore them it's just because you are very shortsighted.
You can follower Kristina on Twitter and listen to her podcast The White Noise Show
You can follower Kristina on Twitter and listen to her podcast The White Noise Show
